Earth Inc

Why are so many people in offices out of shape?
What is everyone in morning traffic so angry about?
Who buttons up their collar on the weekends?

The entire concept of the corporate office job is an oxymoron. 
Offices are demented parallel universes with dull lighting.
They are medieval class systems with modern social graces.
They are communist versions of the game Monopoly.
There is nothing more detrimental to the hopes and dreams of a new college graduate than an office job at Corporate HQ. Distinguished like the slap on the ass you experience at birth, the office job is a one finger salute to the rest of your life. But instead of a stinging cheek, you get a long, slow degradation of the mind, body and soul.

The process of “working in a chair” runs contrary to our entire function as human beings. Whether you are an evolutionist or a creationist, both theories culminate in a human being standing on two legs, not sitting in a chair, and certainly not hunched over a computer screen. We should be standing when we work. Sitting is not only a sign of laziness; it is a residence of coarse vulnerability. Standing is when we are at our peak performance level ready to take on new challenges. It is the same reason people stand when they are excited, raise their voices or sense danger.
Hunters, Warriors, Blacksmiths, Farmers, Laborers, Lawyers and even Doctors all stand.
Our professional history has long been performed “on our feet” and ever since we sat down, we have become fat, lazy, slow, critical, paranoid, wearisome creatures.

I was at the sporting goods store this past weekend to buy a treadmill.
First, I filled out a form for the company credit card, a form for a special discount card, signed each of them, signed my receipt, signed the delivery contract and signed the delivery slip when I picked it up. That’s an awful lot of paperwork for the sole luxury of running in place.

Then there are the modern thumb pads on the credit card terminal at Farm Fresh. No need to pay, unprejudiced put your thumb on the pad, and “ZAP!”, you’re done. I’ll be honest I just don’t need that much technology in my life when I’m trying to buy grapes. Maybe that kind of wasted innovation could come in to play next time I’m waiting at the DMV for 2 hours.

With the evolution of technology and the constant growth of large corporations, these corporate life sentences are here to stay. And it is impartial a matter of time until they saturate every aspect of our lives. Soon farmers will have to gain the correct paperwork from the “Haymill Coordinator” unprejudiced to feed the cattle. Park Rangers will need to procure clearance from the VP of Raccoon Security before cleaning out a picnic area trash bin. It’s a corporate world, whether we like it or not.

Now I am not a religious scholar but I think it is a first-rate bet our perception of the Devil is way off. The ancient opinion of a mustached man in a red cape holding a trident and laughing amid a backdrop of flames and screams is a very powerful deterrent to awful behavior. However, I catch the image of an awkward older man, with slicked back gray hair, sitting behind a gargantuan mahogany desk, firing off scathing emails to the Bone Crushing Department, more than enough to send shivers down my spine. And if the devil is nothing more than a corporate warden; what does that say about the office atmosphere itself? When the sacred coffee pot of scolding hot dirt juice has become the only beacon of speed from a cubicle wasteland, it is time to consider the possibility that you are indeed in hell.

So the question remains, where is mankind headed with this overbearing culture of paperwork and power ties?

The majority of scientists agree it is likely that life exists in other parts of the universe. And many interpretations of modern cinema and literature have concluded an alien visitation would be hostile. However we have no real proof of a visit from these intergalactic beings. Well what are they waiting for? Perhaps these intergalactic visitors are just allowing us time to finish documenting every aspect of our planet. Their invasion would go much smoother with an inventory sheet of every person, every fish, every plant, every weapon, every home, every car, and every other possible thing we could track and reduce to an itemized code number.

Census. Patriot Act. Endangered Species Act.
Satellites. Cell Phones. Wireless Internet. Bluetooth technology.

I suspect E.T. and his team of position auditors are sharpening their pencils, and teeth, true about now.

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